Daylight
had brunch with my friend Geoff today, and he turned to me and asked: "does Rhian ever have a day where she just goes to work, rather than being blown away by the fabulousness of where she is?", Felix told me a few days ago, and I've been pondering it ever since. I do and I don't. I do, and then I find myself doing so and immediately make an effort to remind myself of where I am. It's a beauty of being here, I guess – even in the hardest of moments or when I'm at an all-time low, I think, this is a part of it. I came here for this too.It's a commitment that's more than woweee.
Anyway, I'm feeling a bit blah right now so, in Geoff's honour, I figured I should write a blog to show that I'm not on cloud cuckoo the whole time. Thing is, the reading might as a result be that much more bland but at least you won't be expecting me to be as exciting as my stories are once I return.
Believe you me, there's nothing I want more sometimes than to just walk down the streets of London (it has to be both big and familiar to fulfil my needs), totally anonymous, shooting the shit with my mate Steve as we amble from pub to pub – in the rain. I'd do anything for that right now. The rainier and greyer the better. Totally unfabulous (the weather that is, not the company!). See, if Toni was there, we'd be dancing in the rain and if Anna was there she'd be visiting from Australia so it wouldn't be just another day. It's never 'just another day' though is it, wherever you are? Shit. And then I realise I sound like some fluffy-bunny-spewing evangelist drunk on the beauty of the world when all I really truly want is another blah day with nothing spectacular happening at all. Just once in a while – enough to get my breath back and discover my thirst for adventure again.
So what gets me down? Not the weather. It's glorious when it's windy, sunny, dark, still, you name it. This is Antarctica, and Antarctica here is described by weather since there are no other physical features to speak of around here. The sastrugi's getting awful big these days, mind you (oh yeah, and it's nice to not have to add a glossary to the end of everything I write or say!).
The work? Yeah, the work gets me down. But when it does I try to find something interesting to do to wake me up. There's so many opportunities – so many other jobs to share a part of. In the last couple of weeks, for instance, I have helped with the gash run, when we bury our waste food; helped jack the buildings at -50 subjective (and got white fingertips as thanks); helped the gennie mech with flubbering, when the big bag of fuel under the base gets refilled with Avtur (the help involves switching a switch on, and then, an hour later, off); and helped the comms manager to loosen the stays on the masts that our aerials hang off. It's by no means one way – I'd say I receive a lot more support from fellow base members than I provide. People help raise to the handline to the lab, jack our building, attend to electrical, heat and vent problems – and, most importantly, I'm always asking for help with digging holes for samples and snow for the melt-tank!
Anyway, that's what I do when I get bored of my job – I look to do something else for a while. On the whole though, my job keeps me fairly busy at a cruise speed, nothing overkill and crazy like last summer but I'm certainly not twiddling my thumbs either. So work, does work get me down? No, not really – if I fix something I come home feeling dead chuffed and if something remains broken I have learnt, or am learning, to not lose sleep over it. We'll get there in the end.
I guess the thing that can really sway my day is other people. I used to think I was fairly stable, fairly reasonable (don't we all?), sensible, even. But you've got to remember that BAS sets out to employ reasonable, stable, independent people. And mainly blokes. So here, I am none of my previous selves. PMT hits me like a blast from the east, a word from a colleague can send me above the clouds or into dephs of navel gazing, innocent banter at dinner can fuel my energy or force me to leave the room protesting. This being a British base, there is a lot of banter, a lot of piss-taking, a fair amount of sarcasm and the inevitavble gossip. I thought I could give as good as I got but I'm learning to coat my shoulders with teflon – something I've never been a master of. Still, although I am improved from earlier in the year, one emailed sentence from a fellow inmate down here had me instantly in tears today. Tears of anger or despair, I'm not sure which, but whichever it is, it's not right. And while my friends here say "don't let it get to you", and I know it wouldn't get to them, it still finds its tender spot. I don't want sympathy, I'm not unhappy, PLEASE don't now elevate me further into 'I couldn't do it' levels – I just am answering a question since I realise that in this mood, and this isn't the first, I rarely write blogs.
The sun rose yesterday but we still haven't seen it – it's been hidden behind clouds. Maybe tomorrow. I had intended to write a blog tonight about the joys of daylight, the colours on the horizon, the effect it's had on raising the spirits of all on base, the increased energy around the place and all the outside jobs we can now do. Of how bizarre it is to see the landscape we have been creating in the dark – some things now buried, many things needing attention. The wonder of clouds and stars at dusk. How much closer everything seems. Everyone is rushing around happy that they can work without the aid of a torch. Skidoos are running and trips off-base being organised. Light first appearred around 10am, beautiful pink and orange sky, and dissappeared after dinner, around 7pm probably. Amazing. Last week we had a storm so the change from dark to light is spectacular and sudden. I had forgotten how normal daylight is. I don't particularly like the normalness of it, but it is very convenient.
Love, me.
UPDATE: Geoff, I'm not sure we have met, but to answer your question, no, I don't think there is ever a day here where I 'just go to work'. It's now 3:40am on the same night as the earlier entry I sent to Felix. I went to sleep for a few hours but was having bad dreams, tossing and turning, feeling too warm. The clock said 2:30. I went back to sleep and had an intense and weird dream. When I hauled myself out of it, groggy and shaking myself, the clock still said 2:30. I sleep in a sensory deprivation chamber, without my clock I have no reference of time.
Maybe my clock was wrong. I'm on gash today – surely someone would have woken me if I hadn't got up for cleaning? Or if it was 2:30pm (my clock is analogue)?! I got up, I don't know why, it's rare for me to get up in the night. I was still discombobulated from the evening's earlier interaction and I think that was why I didn't sleep well. As I pottered down the corridor in my dressing gown, very sleepy eyed, I met the friend who had earlier upset me. He apologised, I apologised, we made up and chatted for a while. It was really important to me to do this. Some people here have the ability to allow things like this to slippery slide off their shoulders but I don't. I take personal actions directed at me very seriously. You might say I over-react. I'm learning a lot from these blokes here, the ground rules of live and let live, and learning that I have a lot to learn.
My friend told me there was a beautiful aurora happening outside. Could I be bothered to get dressed for it? Twenty minutes later the night-shift person confirmed it was a good 'un, though not necessarily good enough to wake people for. I never regret going outside, never. So after goodnights I returned to my room for clothes and a 'doo suit. Ten minutes later I was walking like the Michelin man down the steps of the platform outsiude, crunch rustle rustle. The 'doo suits (glossary: doo =skidoo) are warm but cumbersome!
There was an aurora. Gentle green swirls in the sky, clear starry night. The swirls of aurora, the low-level mist, the milky way, all washed foggy stripes around the place, merged together, glazed the sky. Scorpio laughing from the north now, Orion not yet risen. I really do miss him. But to the South was another constellation I have been chatting with for a while but have not yet found a name for. Simon was outside with me, he's on night-shift but also conveniently has a PhD in astronomy. I've been meaning to show him this constellation for weeks.
As we're looking around the sky he points out that Scorpio's tail is in the Milky Way. It's good to know for when we get home. Oh – so when I see the Milky Way, I should look for Scorpio's tail and know the rest is out there somewhere?, I ask. Scorpio is huge in the sky and apparrantly also visits the north sometimes, like Orion visits us down here. I could believe that sometimes you can only see his tail. No, Simon says, it's so that when you see his tail, you know that's where the Milky Way is. I can't imagine the stars without the Milky Way. It's sad to think the only reason we don't see it is due to our own light pollution. While we're staring to the north watching the crustacean's pincers, a bright orb appears in the sky, falls, keeps falling, falls further and eventually fades. It is the brightest shooting star either of us have ever seen. Not so much shooting as dropping. There must be a meteor out there now, about to be buried in snow. It's funny to think that we're closer to that then any other people.
When we came in we looked the constellation up: Canis Major, Orion's hunting
dog. So, Orion might be around less these days but at least he's left his puppy!
Posted by Rhian at 12:10 EST
Comments
Hey Stargazer,
I know that it's nothing like what you can see down there, but when you get out of the city here in Ontario and get up to the Muskokas and beyond, you can definitely see the Milky Way. It's just a faded streak of light that arcs around the sky, though. Keith and I just went camping up north this past weekend, but unfortunately it was too cloudy to stargaze. We did have a wicked thunderstorm in the middle of the night that lasted two hours, though. Thank goodness we have a very waterproof tent!
Posted by: Becky at 13:27 EST, August 12, 2004
Hya Rhian,
Thought about you today and tracked down your site. Some good reading. I'm glad to see you're still filled with wonder and whatnot. Send me your email so we chat some.
Sebastien
scormier@gmail.com
Posted by: Sébastien at 1:15 EST, August 21, 2004
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